Thursday, March 21, 2013

Is It Me? Or...

I  just "got out" of an interesting relationship. It officially started on March 16, 2010 and after a lot of break ups, tears, laughter, smiles, a promise ring, a deployment, wedding plans, heartaches, hypocrisy, lying, cheating, lots of forgiving, stalking, manipulations, threats, ultimatums, and controlled situations, it finally ended on December 3rd, 2012. Notice how I didn't list just the horrible aspects of said relationship. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good times and Disneyland trips but it was the heartaches that stood out to me. The heartaches completely outweighed the loving side of the relationship because of their affect on me. Am I stupid for overseeing the good times and concentrating on the bad? At first I thought I was. However, now I don't think I was so stupid. I am free to look at my life how I want. After pushing the bad to the side and trying to think of only the good I never realized the bad pile stacking higher and higher. Before I knew it it fell over and my heart and emotional state shattered underneath it all. Did it take me a lot of time and counseling from a bishop to get over all of this? You betcha. I'm still scarred from it all.

These are scars only I can see, only I can feel.

It's amazing to me how fast love can take a sharp turn and head in the opposite direction when you think everything seemed fine, when everything felt perfect, when everything was how you wanted it to be. Happily ever after? Yeah. Right.

Dating has never been easy for me. I didn't date much in high school and when I did it was either with the same younger guy from church more than once or one of my really good friends that ***I*** asked to a girl-ask-guy dance. My first boyfriend came around when I was 22. That relationship never should have started. I'm embarrassed it even happened. Since then I have been on a few dates here and there. Had a boyfriend here, a boyfriend there. Nothing worked out. Each of these experiences could be a blog post on their own. A short story, if you will. They all ended horribly. And I couldn't let go of any of them. They were all wrong for me yet I just couldn't let go. I get super attached and it's not a good thing.

Is it me? Am I the problem? I have no idea what to think.

I tend to fall for guys I know I shouldn't be with. Is it because I like the thrill of it all? Is it because I know nothing will come from it? Is it because I have a commitment problem? Is it because I enjoy being single more than being with someone? Is it ALL of them?! Is it something I don't see?

I wish I knew. My heart is fragile, you guys. What's my deal? Why does the universe hate me? Right when I fall in love with someone everything falls apart. I'm not talking about crumbling, I'm talking about an implosion of emotions. It's like a world war going on inside my body.

Let me end with this... This post may seem like a "poor, poor Ashley. She needs to just keep her chin up and not worry. Her man is out there" kind of post. Please. That was not my intention. Did you not just read what type of relationship I just got out of? I'm trying to say that I'm actually alright with being single. It is nice. So sue me.


Joshua Ericson said...

you just need to find a guy that shower u in love

Ashley Oblad said...

I did find one Josh. But it's complicated...