Sunday, March 31, 2013

Diagnosis: Lovesick

I kind of feel bad for composing and publishing my last blog post. Maybe. Actually, to be honest, I really do not know why I wrote it in the first place. Perhaps because it felt good to vent openly about a rough period of my life. Perhaps because I had to let a few people know my emotional side of it all. Perhaps I just wanted to blog again. Who knows. Either way it is out there and I am not taking it back. OK. Enough about that person.

These next few posts are going to be about love and relationships because it has been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. The good and the bad side of it all. It will all stop eventually and then I can blog about my three jobs and how I have moved out on my own and how I can't stop eating cheese.

Have you ever dated someone secretly? You know, behind the backs of your friends and parents? If you have, you are not alone. If you haven't, don't. I am pretty sure I could have a degree in that field so trust me on this one. If you have to keep your relationship secret then you shouldn't be in the relationship to begin with. If only I had that advice 87 years ago. I always get hurt in the end even if I end it or get left in the dust. When I like someone I REALLY like him no matter what he has done to me. Surprise! I am sensitive. I get attached super fast. It's a problem I need to overcome. Why can't I just end a relationship and move on? Why do I linger on the thought that maybe we could get back together and just be happier that way? Why do I linger on the thought that I am now without him and I would rather be with him than alone. Too many memories with a guy is complete emotional suicide for this girl.

One day I'll be able to watch Phineas and Ferb without getting all misty eyed since I introduced it to him. One day I'll be able to eat at BJ's again without being mopey he's not there with me sipping on my strawberry lemonade. One day I'll be able to eat chicken fingers from Chicago Brewing Company again. Period. One day I'll realize that I can DEFINITELY do better. Way better.

Also, another...One day I'll be able to listen to The Beatles or Calvin Harris' "Feel So Close" without crying for hours. One day I'll be able to eat Pop Tarts and Starbursts and Tropical Smoothie again without an empty pit in my stomach. One day I'll be able to drive down Las Vegas Boulevard without any memories flooding my mind. One day I'll realize that this guy and I will NEVER be. It's too complicated of a situation to even worry about.

Maybe if these two weren't so good looking all of this would be easier for me. I guess I am just a little bit love sick.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

Is It Me? Or...

I  just "got out" of an interesting relationship. It officially started on March 16, 2010 and after a lot of break ups, tears, laughter, smiles, a promise ring, a deployment, wedding plans, heartaches, hypocrisy, lying, cheating, lots of forgiving, stalking, manipulations, threats, ultimatums, and controlled situations, it finally ended on December 3rd, 2012. Notice how I didn't list just the horrible aspects of said relationship. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good times and Disneyland trips but it was the heartaches that stood out to me. The heartaches completely outweighed the loving side of the relationship because of their affect on me. Am I stupid for overseeing the good times and concentrating on the bad? At first I thought I was. However, now I don't think I was so stupid. I am free to look at my life how I want. After pushing the bad to the side and trying to think of only the good I never realized the bad pile stacking higher and higher. Before I knew it it fell over and my heart and emotional state shattered underneath it all. Did it take me a lot of time and counseling from a bishop to get over all of this? You betcha. I'm still scarred from it all.

These are scars only I can see, only I can feel.

It's amazing to me how fast love can take a sharp turn and head in the opposite direction when you think everything seemed fine, when everything felt perfect, when everything was how you wanted it to be. Happily ever after? Yeah. Right.

Dating has never been easy for me. I didn't date much in high school and when I did it was either with the same younger guy from church more than once or one of my really good friends that ***I*** asked to a girl-ask-guy dance. My first boyfriend came around when I was 22. That relationship never should have started. I'm embarrassed it even happened. Since then I have been on a few dates here and there. Had a boyfriend here, a boyfriend there. Nothing worked out. Each of these experiences could be a blog post on their own. A short story, if you will. They all ended horribly. And I couldn't let go of any of them. They were all wrong for me yet I just couldn't let go. I get super attached and it's not a good thing.

Is it me? Am I the problem? I have no idea what to think.

I tend to fall for guys I know I shouldn't be with. Is it because I like the thrill of it all? Is it because I know nothing will come from it? Is it because I have a commitment problem? Is it because I enjoy being single more than being with someone? Is it ALL of them?! Is it something I don't see?

I wish I knew. My heart is fragile, you guys. What's my deal? Why does the universe hate me? Right when I fall in love with someone everything falls apart. I'm not talking about crumbling, I'm talking about an implosion of emotions. It's like a world war going on inside my body.

Let me end with this... This post may seem like a "poor, poor Ashley. She needs to just keep her chin up and not worry. Her man is out there" kind of post. Please. That was not my intention. Did you not just read what type of relationship I just got out of? I'm trying to say that I'm actually alright with being single. It is nice. So sue me.