Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Breath Savers, Planet Earth, BJs, and a Permanent Smile

There are very few first kisses I remember.

Wait. Strike that.

I remember all of my first kisses, however, very few stick out to me as being my absolute favorites. There have been many I enjoyed but few have made it to my top favorites. So congratulations! Here they are, you guys and in no specific order:

*Sitting in 40 degree weather on a metal picnic table in Hobble Creek Canyon. Full moon. Silence in the night except for the movement of water from the nearby creek. He knew he was going to kiss me that night. I, however, did not because I was a naive 22 year old who received her first (and second) kiss 7 months prior. He took out a new roll of Breath Savers and explained the rules of "The Mint Game" to me. "One of us places the mint in between our teeth. The other tries to bite it in half and this goes on until there is no mint left to bite Winner is the one that gets the last scraping of the mint. If our teeth and lips touch, and they will, it is all part of the fun." Easy I thought. And easy it was seeing as I won the first two rounds. At this point I STILL didn't know his plan was to kiss me. I told you I was naive. On the third round I went in to take a bite but before I knew what was going on he placed his hand on the back of my neck and kissed me. I instantly melted. I had had a crush on this guy for the past year and he knew it. 22 year old me had some major butterflies going on at that moment. It was dark. It was quiet. It was just what I had been waiting for since the first day he spoke to me at church.

*I started hanging out with a new friend of mine regularly one summer. I maybe said five words to him in person during the first four months of knowing each other. Two months went by and before we knew it we were exchanging a few messages on Facebook which then turned to us texting and calling each other. He had always wanted to watch Planet Earth and lucky for him I had it on DVD. We started to watch the series nightly. Sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine. After watching an episode or two we would stay up for hours just talking. We even got see the sunlight come through the windows on a few occasions. My parents and I were headed to San Diego for a week and my friend knew he wanted to get in one more disc of Planet Earth before I left the next day. As we were watching he got super cuddly, leading me to the thought that he was planning on kissing me that night. When I get nervous in situations as such I do this whole if I avoid eye contact with him it will make it harder for him to kiss me thing. I could tell it was driving him nuts. He sat up a bit, looked at me and asked if he could kiss me. I think my smile alone was all the answer he needed. It was such a sweet kiss and perfect timing too. I could not wait to get back to Vegas and see him after my week in Southern California. I truly enjoyed his company on top of his sweetness towards me.

Have I made you guys gag yet? Hopefully not.

*A friend who I knew liked me offered to take me out to dinner one night. He chose BJ's which turned out to be one of our future go-to restaurants. He loves their mozzarella sticks and I love their Red Velvet Pizookie. Delicious, I know. After dinner he asked if I would accompany him to the store to get some cat food. I accepted for it meant more time with him. He joked with me by saying he was going to kiss me inside Wal-Mart. I told him I would never talk to him again if he dared to do such a thing. According to him that hurt his feelings. Psh  After our adventures he drove us back to the restaurant parking lot where we sat in his car and talked for another hour. During that time he kept changing the music nervously yet I was clueless to it all. At one point we went from listening to Britney to Lionel. I thought that was an odd switch in music but little did I know he was prepping to kiss me. He just sat there as I went off about a roommate I had in college when BAM! he leaned far across the center console and kissed me. It happened so fast all I could do was sit there and kiss him back. I had NO idea that was going to happen. I guess he just needed a way to get me to shut up. It worked. Boy, did it work. Now every time I hear Hello by Lionel Richie I can't help but remember that night and getting one of the best surprises I have ever received.

*I'm not going to go too into detail with this one out of respect that it meant/means so much to me. I will tell you that it was one of the most breathtaking experiences of my life. The timing was perfect. The location was perfect. The mood was perfect. Who it was with was perfect. Even the way it happened was perfect. I knew he was going to kiss me. We were standing there in each others' embrace while he played with my hair and caressed the left side of my face. I was rubbing his back with my hands and looking the other way doing my if I avoid eye contact with him it will make it harder for him to kiss me thing. I however did turn and look him in the eyes a few times because it was my way of begging him to kiss me and kiss me right then. It made us smile but I proceeded to look away. He obviously couldn't handle it anymore. All he did was touch my chin, move in, and let it happen. He moved in the 10% and I moved in the 90% (which is obviously the opposite of Hitch's 90/10 standard but I didn't care, you see). I told myself that if he initiated the kiss I would be all in. If only that night didn't have to end. One of the best, if not the best part was feeling his permanent smile underneath our kiss. It felt right. Everything about it felt right.

I would gladly go back to any of these nights but I think it is apparent which one I would relive over and over again. It's amazing to me how a simple gesture can make such a difference in my life. I melt whenever I think back on any of these experiences. One was fun. One was cute. One was like whoa yessir. And one was hella romantic. Again, please?

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Diagnosis: Lovesick

I kind of feel bad for composing and publishing my last blog post. Maybe. Actually, to be honest, I really do not know why I wrote it in the first place. Perhaps because it felt good to vent openly about a rough period of my life. Perhaps because I had to let a few people know my emotional side of it all. Perhaps I just wanted to blog again. Who knows. Either way it is out there and I am not taking it back. OK. Enough about that person.

These next few posts are going to be about love and relationships because it has been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. The good and the bad side of it all. It will all stop eventually and then I can blog about my three jobs and how I have moved out on my own and how I can't stop eating cheese.

Have you ever dated someone secretly? You know, behind the backs of your friends and parents? If you have, you are not alone. If you haven't, don't. I am pretty sure I could have a degree in that field so trust me on this one. If you have to keep your relationship secret then you shouldn't be in the relationship to begin with. If only I had that advice 87 years ago. I always get hurt in the end even if I end it or get left in the dust. When I like someone I REALLY like him no matter what he has done to me. Surprise! I am sensitive. I get attached super fast. It's a problem I need to overcome. Why can't I just end a relationship and move on? Why do I linger on the thought that maybe we could get back together and just be happier that way? Why do I linger on the thought that I am now without him and I would rather be with him than alone. Too many memories with a guy is complete emotional suicide for this girl.

One day I'll be able to watch Phineas and Ferb without getting all misty eyed since I introduced it to him. One day I'll be able to eat at BJ's again without being mopey he's not there with me sipping on my strawberry lemonade. One day I'll be able to eat chicken fingers from Chicago Brewing Company again. Period. One day I'll realize that I can DEFINITELY do better. Way better.

Also, another...One day I'll be able to listen to The Beatles or Calvin Harris' "Feel So Close" without crying for hours. One day I'll be able to eat Pop Tarts and Starbursts and Tropical Smoothie again without an empty pit in my stomach. One day I'll be able to drive down Las Vegas Boulevard without any memories flooding my mind. One day I'll realize that this guy and I will NEVER be. It's too complicated of a situation to even worry about.

Maybe if these two weren't so good looking all of this would be easier for me. I guess I am just a little bit love sick.

#xxoobf

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Is It Me? Or...

I  just "got out" of an interesting relationship. It officially started on March 16, 2010 and after a lot of break ups, tears, laughter, smiles, a promise ring, a deployment, wedding plans, heartaches, hypocrisy, lying, cheating, lots of forgiving, stalking, manipulations, threats, ultimatums, and controlled situations, it finally ended on December 3rd, 2012. Notice how I didn't list just the horrible aspects of said relationship. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good times and Disneyland trips but it was the heartaches that stood out to me. The heartaches completely outweighed the loving side of the relationship because of their affect on me. Am I stupid for overseeing the good times and concentrating on the bad? At first I thought I was. However, now I don't think I was so stupid. I am free to look at my life how I want. After pushing the bad to the side and trying to think of only the good I never realized the bad pile stacking higher and higher. Before I knew it it fell over and my heart and emotional state shattered underneath it all. Did it take me a lot of time and counseling from a bishop to get over all of this? You betcha. I'm still scarred from it all.

These are scars only I can see, only I can feel.

It's amazing to me how fast love can take a sharp turn and head in the opposite direction when you think everything seemed fine, when everything felt perfect, when everything was how you wanted it to be. Happily ever after? Yeah. Right.

Dating has never been easy for me. I didn't date much in high school and when I did it was either with the same younger guy from church more than once or one of my really good friends that ***I*** asked to a girl-ask-guy dance. My first boyfriend came around when I was 22. That relationship never should have started. I'm embarrassed it even happened. Since then I have been on a few dates here and there. Had a boyfriend here, a boyfriend there. Nothing worked out. Each of these experiences could be a blog post on their own. A short story, if you will. They all ended horribly. And I couldn't let go of any of them. They were all wrong for me yet I just couldn't let go. I get super attached and it's not a good thing.

Is it me? Am I the problem? I have no idea what to think.

I tend to fall for guys I know I shouldn't be with. Is it because I like the thrill of it all? Is it because I know nothing will come from it? Is it because I have a commitment problem? Is it because I enjoy being single more than being with someone? Is it ALL of them?! Is it something I don't see?

I wish I knew. My heart is fragile, you guys. What's my deal? Why does the universe hate me? Right when I fall in love with someone everything falls apart. I'm not talking about crumbling, I'm talking about an implosion of emotions. It's like a world war going on inside my body.

Let me end with this... This post may seem like a "poor, poor Ashley. She needs to just keep her chin up and not worry. Her man is out there" kind of post. Please. That was not my intention. Did you not just read what type of relationship I just got out of? I'm trying to say that I'm actually alright with being single. It is nice. So sue me.