Friday, February 5, 2010

A Guide To Eliminate Yourself From Dating Ashley...That's Me.

First, I feel like this needs no introduction. Second, the title explains itself. Third, these are in no specific order but all are just as important if you want to gain a rejection from yours truly. Sit back, relax, and enjoy.

1. Muscle profile pictures on the internet. OK, seriously. What is the deal with this? You leave no option for me to go and stalk your profiles to even see if you have any shirtless pictures to check out. No mystery at all. And usually the picture contains you, a nice looking guy, surrounded by chicks in bikinis (tool alert!) or you with your friends in speedos for kicks and giggles. Real cute you guys but I'm sure lots of ladies don't care to see a bunch of dudes hugging each other whilst wearing patriotic banana hammocks. At least I don't. Yeah, no thanks. It may be funny for a day but it only takes me .983 seconds to ignore your friend request. OH! And if I don't know you in real life that makes me want to get to know you even less.

2. Just wanting to hangout then hookup. As fun as these can be they sure do get old after a while. I want someone to like me for more than just good company and a good kiss or thirty-seven. This is one reason why I hesitate to move back to Utah. Sad but true. Do this to me and you're history. I'm 26. Not 16. Time to grow up all you Peter Pans out there.

3. Asking me out on a date via text message. I really don't need to explain the crap involved behind this. I had a guy tell me text me, "C'mon. This is 2009. No one talks on the phone anymore so what does it matter if I ask you through text? The question is the same." Guess what you guys? Date didn't happen. We never went out EVEN after he called me for a date. He is also a "hangout/hookup" kind of guy. If any guy can't pick up his cell to call me because he is too shy then how is he going to hold a conversation with me on a date? Just a thought.

4. Making fun of me for ordering a salad at lunch/dinner. If I *only* order a side salad with no cheese and a side of fat-free ranch on the side to lightly dip my fork in as I ate my salad piece by piece then YES you have permission to make fun of me. If I order (and eat) an entire Crispy Chicken Salad from Mimi's, save a few dressing-less pieces of lettuce, which comes with diced chicken tenders, romaine, cheddar cheese, tomatoes, egg, green onions, and corn with ranch and buffalo sauce, you have NO right to make fun of me. There is nothing wrong with getting a salad like that from any restaurant. And since when is it cute to make fun of someone for what they eat? OK so I guess it is acceptable on the 12th of NEVER!!! Sometimes just teasing me about what I eat makes me want to punch someone in the throat. In other words just eat your food and I'll eat my food and you pay. The end.

5. Possessing a lack of compromise. I can only watch so many action movies, you guys. Wait. Don't get me wrong. I love a good action movie but I swear every time I pick a movie the guy is always like "meh. Really? Are you sure you don't want to watch Die Hard 87 as you give me a back massage?" I mean what is so wrong with a little You've Got Mail, French Kiss, or While You Were Sleeping every once in a while? NOTHING! Sorry to admit but a 20:1 ratio of action movies to chick flick is not a compromise. That once a year chick-flick viewing opportunity reads as "Fine. If it will make you happy and stop complaining then you, I mean, we can watch it." What the backslash? Not fair. Oh, and this compromise is not just for choosing movies. It goes for everything.

6. Spamming anywhere on my facebook profile. Doing this will surely get you a good kick in the shin from my 11.5 nieces and nephews. Do not feel the need to comment on *all* of my status updates or *all* of my photos. There is nothing wrong with a few "likes" here and there and even a few comments are OK if you have something intelligent or witty to say. "You look smooooookin' hot in this picture." and "Your lips make your eyes look especially green when you make that face." are semi flattering comments yet they aren't. If you never want me to say 'yes' to a future date with you make comments like that. You technically won't even need to ask me out. Hey! They even save you a phone call. It's a win-win situation for us both.

7. Never washing your hands after using the washroom. There really is no need to explain this one. I dated a guy that never washed his hands. I told him it bothered me and all he had to say back was *eyeroll.* 'Scuse me? Yes. He rolled his eyes at me. After the first intervention I just noticed him getting his hands wet with water or just turning the water on long enough to make me think he was washing his hands. Sorry but that is nothing close to an actual hand wash, buddy. Intervention #2: Place hands under warm water. Add soap. Lather. Rinse. Dry. Done. It takes like 15 seconds to do that. I'm sorry if you don't have enough time in your day to set aside for the sole purpose of washing your hands. We all know where they have been and it's gross to think about you touching anything, including myself, with those hands.

8. Never letting me play video games with you. I am one of those few girls out there that loves video games. It's true. They are not just for men. Do not pull the oh-I-did-not-offer-because-I-don't-want-you-to-break-a-nail bit. Well, good thing I don't have nails in the first place. So, game on! Letting me play video games with you is a way to my heart. I am not even kidding, you guys. For example, I am actually really good at playing any Guitar Hero and Rock Band games. On Expert. It only took me 3 days to get there. Not bad, I know. So, scootch on over and I'll show you what it's like to get your butt kicked by a girl at Mario Kart. And if you "let" me win I'll sick my nephew, Harper, on you. He may be 3.5 years old but he has hardcore ninja butt-kicking skills.

9. Telling me what NOT to eat. Do not tell me what I should and should not eat. The only time this is OK is if I *specifically* tell you to make me drop a Family Size bag of Cheetos or a 3lbs Cheez-It box from Costco. If I do not give you persmission do not feel the need to suggest I drop the bag/box. You are only hinting at me that I am making myself fatter. If I want the dang chips I want the dang chips. Remember, if I give you permission, you can tell me. Easy as coloring in the lines.

10. Telling me you'll leave your fiancee if I decide to date you. There is no way I would get in the middle of a serious relationship just to date you. No matter how much I like you I wouldn't tell you to drop everything and start a relationship with me. The one thing I would tell you is that your marriage has a 95% chance of failing because you aren't putting your whole heart into it or your fiancee, unless you work your butt off and make it work. But why force yourself to make it work if you knew you were settling in the first place? *Ahem*... Anyway, moral of the tip is, do not attempt to date me when you are with someone else. Insta-turnoff.

11. If you are Gargamel (<---click). Nuff said. What is so attractive about a Smurf-napping warlock that talks to Azreal, his loyal yet evil-doing cat, all day? Nothing. Nothing at all. And are those socks you're wearing or just insanely red leather shoes?

12. Taking the Lord's name in vain. Sorry. Self-explanatory. Not a fan for many reasons. The end.

13. Suffocating me with text messages. This one is pretty self-explanatory too but I'll let this video speak for itself. If I don't text you back within 5 minutes do not send another text asking me where I am at the moment. Ever think that maybe, just maybe I am at the hospital having an emergency surgery for my Count Choculitis? Ever think of that? Word to the wise: Save both of our souls and stop at one text.

14. Do not tell me my favorite anything is stupid. I love Disneyland. I love the movie Clue. I love Cafe Rio. I love classic Disney movies. I love eating salads at restaurants. I love coffee ice cream. I love Lady GaGa. I love musicals. I love. I love. I love. Do you see a pattern here? These are just a few of the 82837230 things I love in this world. Do not diss on even *one* of my favorite anythings. Making fun of me for things I love is not cute. The same goes for teasing me. I mean there are times teasing is cute and I will approve but after a while it can get old. I am the youngest in my family. Trust me. I have been teased ever since I was 0 years old. I still to this day don't know how to pronounce chocolate or Gatorade. I was lied to about both pronunciations so I refuse to say either in public. Whatever you do, do not tell me Disneyland sucks. That is like a first class ticket on the get-out-of-Ashley's-life train. It's not a fun one.

15. Convincing me to date you because you saw my face in a dream. This actually creeps me out. I'm pretty sure if a guy saw my face in a dream it wasn't me. It was probably either Katy Perry or Zooey Deschanel (or Kevin Costner, according to Pretty sure. The only way I would believe this crap is if I, too, saw the guy's face in a dream after dating him for months and praying to see if he was A-OK to marry. I would never pursue a guy just because I saw him in a dream. If I did such a thing I would have been married to Elijah Wood at the age of 8 and then later would have divorced him after realizing he was not so much a fan of the ladies. See how crazy this sounds? Anyway, keep those sort of dreams either to yourself or save them for a later time after our marriage. I promise I will appreciate it more at that's less creepy.

I really need to stop here before I never get a date ever again in my lifetime. And I was serious about the Gargamel business. Stay. Away. From. Me. You Smurf eating creepazoid.


Chaos Painted Masterpiece said...

*checks himself off of all 15*

I'm golden.


PS, you were in my dream last night. Wanna watch Die Hard?

Phil Villarreal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alli Easley said...

Hahahahaha. I laughed outloud to most of these, not to say they aren't all funny but I rarely read and laugh outloud. Oh and sweet picture of Harper with the sweeeeeeen flu. Wait, which one did I laugh at really hard...oh! chocolate and gatorade. Oh man. Good stuff. Ashee FTW!

Lanie Ree said...

#7. YUCK. Hello Hepatitis.

#10. I've been there! My answer was, "Buddy, if you'll cheat with me, you'll cheat on me." No thank you.

#15. Creepy.

(And I love Coffee Ice Cream too)

nicole antoinette said...

Number 4 is absolutely pure gold. It's like, salads are fucking GOOD and sometimes not even that healthy and just shut up about it already.

Fantastic post, lady.