LOST Season 6: Episode 2

Who's ready for Episode 2? I am. Let's hope they answer at least ONE of the 98234 questions I have about this show. And 2874 of them are from last week's episode alone. Yikes you guys.

*Put some shoes on hippie! What if you step on a cockroach?
*Atilla knows something we don't. Did you see that look he just gave?
*Did Sayid just call Jack.... Janet? Or was that just me? Or was it just his accent? I'm going to go with his accent.
*What's this? Sawyer's in a bad mood? That like never always happens
*Kate's excellent at running. Annnnd this is where she pulls the gun next to Claire ah yes. I almost forgot. Not like this happened a week ago.
*Arnst is just as much of a jerk in LA as he was on the island. Sheesh.
*Holy pyschotic Kate.
*Who are these people? The others part XIV?
*Miles is the funniest thing to ever happen to me.
*Sayid don't go with the hippie and Atilla. Curious. Very curious.
*DUDE! DON'T TOUCH MY HUSBAND!
*Oh, so now Atilla speaks English? Then what is the hippie for?
*And where exactly does Sawyer think he is going to run off to?
*How can they calm down with guns in their faces? Yeah, no.
*"I'm wanted for murder." Kate cracks me up.
*Polaroids? I thought those things were socially banned.
*Hey Kate and Jack, just make out again already. Oh, no wait. He's my husband. But if I try to fight Kate she might murder me. Proceed.
*That is just pixie dust Sayid. No biggie. It's going to make your ouchie better.
*That machine reminds me of the "pit of despair" in The Princess Bride. Yep. "I just sucked one year of your life away."
*What the hot poker? HOLY GRAIL ATILLA!
*That's one test I would fail for sure.
*Ok, so if Sayid failed I would definitely fail. Royally.
*So, she found Claire? In all of LA. Sitting on a curb.
*Adoption. No. Aaron is gorgeous. Don't do it!
*Ticka Ticka sound? That is just what that black smoky ghost demon monster sounds like.
*Kate has lots of "experience" with Sawyer. Trust her. ;)
*Ummmm. The "others" know something we don't. That's so unlike this show....
*Torture. Taste of your own medicine, eh Sayid?
*I want a pestle and mortar for my kitchen.
*Is he rolling his own doobies? (Yes. I just said doobie.)
*My dad: "This show is all about trust." That's true, dad. Shout out to YOU!
*Ok. Is the Mad Hatter played by Johnny Depp, Elijah Wood, or Madonna? I still don't even know.
*Grey's Anatomy is so 2005.
*Oooo look. The beer font.
*Claire is so pretty.
*Wait a second. Who's house is that?
*Seeee she is supposed to keep Aaron. Destined. Just keep him.
*Oh so you can't do it alone but you expect Claire to?
*She. Is. Having. The. Baby. Right. Now.
*The creepy music helps with the creepiness. Good job.
*Sawyer hid stuff in the floor boards. Way to go. Awww is it some of Juliet's things?
*And a Walmart Commercial.
*My mom: "Next year they will have a show that will be called 'Found!' " She's a hoot.
*They would have spotted that cab. I'm sorry. Especially at a hospital. Annnnd cue cop.
*WHAT THE ETHAN???!
*He's going to take your baby just like on the island! Watch.
*Cue frantic music.
*Must she remind him of Juliet? Rude.
*Some of us are meant to be alone? That was so sad, Sawyer.
*Don't throw the ring. I'll take it.
*Random baseball. I love this island.
*Who is he? He's Atilla...errr Togan, I mean.
*The pill is harmless. It's just a Happy Meal blended together and put in a capsule. Mmmmm yummy.
*Fighting solves nothing. Men are dorks.
*Oh, poison. Of course there would be poison in it. Just what we need. Another twist.
*Claire is so pretty.
*Dang straight she should keep him.
*Tea....Don't you mean POISON!?
*Sayid is....Claimed? Possessed? By JACOB perhaps?
*WHAAAAAAAAAT? That explains something. Claire was possessed then, too.
*Don't kill Jin. I like him. He's cool and he's Korean.
*Bear trap. That must not tickle at all.
*And cue gunshots...Yep. I think I have this show down.
*OMGar it's CLAIREEEEEEEEE!!!!! She looks as if Danielle got to her.

I just got major chills you guys. That was insane. I have been WAITING 87 episodes for Claire to come back. Fine. Ah. Lee. What is next? Gah! I hate watching the show week to week. I wish it came straight to DVD. But that wouldn't happen. Hokay, so what did we learn? Atilla speaks English and is known as Togan. Sayid failed some kind of weird hoodoo test and is possessed. Sawyer is still angry. And sad. Jack is still my husband. Claire is still pretty and is alive on the island with a gun. That is all. The end.

Human Dictionary

I just made up a brand new word, you guys.

Huggles.

It's almost like a hug but better. I kind of imagine it as one of those hugs where you and the other person twist side to side. I know you know what I am talking about. Also, it could be a hug from a teeny tiny kitten. AWWWWW *HUGGLES*

Huggles is so going to catch on. Be prepared just as Scar taught his hyena minion. It is SO 2010.

Hey, dad...

Apparently, there is such a thing as college paintball. Yeah. You heard me. This is news to me. I haven't felt like this since I heard about college wakeboarding. What the backslash, you guys.

After watching the BYU/UNLV basketball game with my brother we accidentally came across an Ohio U vs. Purdue paintball game. We laughed. Who wouldn't? This is why I love HD sports channels...full of surprises. What's next? College Connect Four? College Phase 10? College Noodling? I could go all day with these things.

Anyway, here is a conversation I had with my dad after we came across said paintball game.

Me: Hey dad! Did you know that Purdue has a paintball team?

Dad: No.

Me: Well, they do.

Dad: Yeah. That's because they are an engineering school.

Me: But dad, that makes no sense at all.

Dad: *nods and grins*

Yep. Welcome to my family.

_______________________________________

Then, my nephew wanted more Gatorade. I *think* he was thirsty because he was asking for more Gatorade every 2 minutes for a full hour. Just a guess. Anyway, here is a short exchange between my brother and his 3.5 year old.

Dylan: DADGIVEMEMOREGATORADEPLEASE!!!

Taylor: Is that how you ask nicely or how you ask to get punched in the face?

It's official. I love my family.

A Guide To Eliminate Yourself From Dating Ashley...That's Me.

First, I feel like this needs no introduction. Second, the title explains itself. Third, these are in no specific order but all are just as important if you want to gain a rejection from yours truly. Sit back, relax, and enjoy.

1. Muscle profile pictures on the internet. OK, seriously. What is the deal with this? You leave no option for me to go and stalk your profiles to even see if you have any shirtless pictures to check out. No mystery at all. And usually the picture contains you, a nice looking guy, surrounded by chicks in bikinis (tool alert!) or you with your friends in speedos for kicks and giggles. Real cute you guys but I'm sure lots of ladies don't care to see a bunch of dudes hugging each other whilst wearing patriotic banana hammocks. At least I don't. Yeah, no thanks. It may be funny for a day but it only takes me .983 seconds to ignore your friend request. OH! And if I don't know you in real life that makes me want to get to know you even less.

2. Just wanting to hangout then hookup. As fun as these can be they sure do get old after a while. I want someone to like me for more than just good company and a good kiss or thirty-seven. This is one reason why I hesitate to move back to Utah. Sad but true. Do this to me and you're history. I'm 26. Not 16. Time to grow up all you Peter Pans out there.

3. Asking me out on a date via text message. I really don't need to explain the crap involved behind this. I had a guy tell me text me, "C'mon. This is 2009. No one talks on the phone anymore so what does it matter if I ask you through text? The question is the same." Guess what you guys? Date didn't happen. We never went out EVEN after he called me for a date. He is also a "hangout/hookup" kind of guy. If any guy can't pick up his cell to call me because he is too shy then how is he going to hold a conversation with me on a date? Just a thought.

4. Making fun of me for ordering a salad at lunch/dinner. If I *only* order a side salad with no cheese and a side of fat-free ranch on the side to lightly dip my fork in as I ate my salad piece by piece then YES you have permission to make fun of me. If I order (and eat) an entire Crispy Chicken Salad from Mimi's, save a few dressing-less pieces of lettuce, which comes with diced chicken tenders, romaine, cheddar cheese, tomatoes, egg, green onions, and corn with ranch and buffalo sauce, you have NO right to make fun of me. There is nothing wrong with getting a salad like that from any restaurant. And since when is it cute to make fun of someone for what they eat? OK so I guess it is acceptable on the 12th of NEVER!!! Sometimes just teasing me about what I eat makes me want to punch someone in the throat. In other words just eat your food and I'll eat my food and you pay. The end.

5. Possessing a lack of compromise. I can only watch so many action movies, you guys. Wait. Don't get me wrong. I love a good action movie but I swear every time I pick a movie the guy is always like "meh. Really? Are you sure you don't want to watch Die Hard 87 as you give me a back massage?" I mean what is so wrong with a little You've Got Mail, French Kiss, or While You Were Sleeping every once in a while? NOTHING! Sorry to admit but a 20:1 ratio of action movies to chick flick is not a compromise. That once a year chick-flick viewing opportunity reads as "Fine. If it will make you happy and stop complaining then you, I mean, we can watch it." What the backslash? Not fair. Oh, and this compromise is not just for choosing movies. It goes for everything.

6. Spamming anywhere on my facebook profile. Doing this will surely get you a good kick in the shin from my 11.5 nieces and nephews. Do not feel the need to comment on *all* of my status updates or *all* of my photos. There is nothing wrong with a few "likes" here and there and even a few comments are OK if you have something intelligent or witty to say. "You look smooooookin' hot in this picture." and "Your lips make your eyes look especially green when you make that face." are semi flattering comments yet they aren't. If you never want me to say 'yes' to a future date with you make comments like that. You technically won't even need to ask me out. Hey! They even save you a phone call. It's a win-win situation for us both.

7. Never washing your hands after using the washroom. There really is no need to explain this one. I dated a guy that never washed his hands. I told him it bothered me and all he had to say back was *eyeroll.* 'Scuse me? Yes. He rolled his eyes at me. After the first intervention I just noticed him getting his hands wet with water or just turning the water on long enough to make me think he was washing his hands. Sorry but that is nothing close to an actual hand wash, buddy. Intervention #2: Place hands under warm water. Add soap. Lather. Rinse. Dry. Done. It takes like 15 seconds to do that. I'm sorry if you don't have enough time in your day to set aside for the sole purpose of washing your hands. We all know where they have been and it's gross to think about you touching anything, including myself, with those hands.

8. Never letting me play video games with you. I am one of those few girls out there that loves video games. It's true. They are not just for men. Do not pull the oh-I-did-not-offer-because-I-don't-want-you-to-break-a-nail bit. Well, good thing I don't have nails in the first place. So, game on! Letting me play video games with you is a way to my heart. I am not even kidding, you guys. For example, I am actually really good at playing any Guitar Hero and Rock Band games. On Expert. It only took me 3 days to get there. Not bad, I know. So, scootch on over and I'll show you what it's like to get your butt kicked by a girl at Mario Kart. And if you "let" me win I'll sick my nephew, Harper, on you. He may be 3.5 years old but he has hardcore ninja butt-kicking skills.

9. Telling me what NOT to eat. Do not tell me what I should and should not eat. The only time this is OK is if I *specifically* tell you to make me drop a Family Size bag of Cheetos or a 3lbs Cheez-It box from Costco. If I do not give you persmission do not feel the need to suggest I drop the bag/box. You are only hinting at me that I am making myself fatter. If I want the dang chips I want the dang chips. Remember, if I give you permission, you can tell me. Easy as coloring in the lines.

10. Telling me you'll leave your fiancee if I decide to date you. There is no way I would get in the middle of a serious relationship just to date you. No matter how much I like you I wouldn't tell you to drop everything and start a relationship with me. The one thing I would tell you is that your marriage has a 95% chance of failing because you aren't putting your whole heart into it or your fiancee, unless you work your butt off and make it work. But why force yourself to make it work if you knew you were settling in the first place? *Ahem*... Anyway, moral of the tip is, do not attempt to date me when you are with someone else. Insta-turnoff.

11. If you are Gargamel (<---click). Nuff said. What is so attractive about a Smurf-napping warlock that talks to Azreal, his loyal yet evil-doing cat, all day? Nothing. Nothing at all. And are those socks you're wearing or just insanely red leather shoes?

12. Taking the Lord's name in vain. Sorry. Self-explanatory. Not a fan for many reasons. The end.

13. Suffocating me with text messages. This one is pretty self-explanatory too but I'll let this video speak for itself. If I don't text you back within 5 minutes do not send another text asking me where I am at the moment. Ever think that maybe, just maybe I am at the hospital having an emergency surgery for my Count Choculitis? Ever think of that? Word to the wise: Save both of our souls and stop at one text.

14. Do not tell me my favorite anything is stupid. I love Disneyland. I love the movie Clue. I love Cafe Rio. I love classic Disney movies. I love eating salads at restaurants. I love coffee ice cream. I love Lady GaGa. I love musicals. I love. I love. I love. Do you see a pattern here? These are just a few of the 82837230 things I love in this world. Do not diss on even *one* of my favorite anythings. Making fun of me for things I love is not cute. The same goes for teasing me. I mean there are times teasing is cute and I will approve but after a while it can get old. I am the youngest in my family. Trust me. I have been teased ever since I was 0 years old. I still to this day don't know how to pronounce chocolate or Gatorade. I was lied to about both pronunciations so I refuse to say either in public. Whatever you do, do not tell me Disneyland sucks. That is like a first class ticket on the get-out-of-Ashley's-life train. It's not a fun one.

15. Convincing me to date you because you saw my face in a dream. This actually creeps me out. I'm pretty sure if a guy saw my face in a dream it wasn't me. It was probably either Katy Perry or Zooey Deschanel (or Kevin Costner, according to myheritage.com). Pretty sure. The only way I would believe this crap is if I, too, saw the guy's face in a dream after dating him for months and praying to see if he was A-OK to marry. I would never pursue a guy just because I saw him in a dream. If I did such a thing I would have been married to Elijah Wood at the age of 8 and then later would have divorced him after realizing he was not so much a fan of the ladies. See how crazy this sounds? Anyway, keep those sort of dreams either to yourself or save them for a later time after our marriage. I promise I will appreciate it more at that time...it's less creepy.

I really need to stop here before I never get a date ever again in my lifetime. And I was serious about the Gargamel business. Stay. Away. From. Me. You Smurf eating creepazoid.

Confucius Says I Will Be Famous and You Will Love Me

If you are reading this then great! Tell your friends about me. I am going to be famous one day and when I am you can have the pride of telling your friends "Hey guess what? I am cooler than you. I have been reading Ashley's stuff back before she was 'anyone' so SUCK ON THAT!" Soon enough I'm going to be a huge deal, an even greater deal than I am now. True story you guys. True. Story. No I promise I'm going to be famous. Keep reading and you'll find out how I know such an amazing fact.

I know what you're thinking. You are probably even calling BS right now and I don't blame you. I may sound crazy but I'm not. No really I'm not. And before you "psh" me *one* more time I'm going to read something I found in my breakfast. No, I did not read this on the back of my cereal box or under the food on an embossed plate at an overpriced pancake house. Any guesses where? .....anyone? .....anyone. no? OK fine. I'll just tell you. Man, you guys are horrible guessers by the way. Well, I am going to share with you my fortune I pulled from a fortune cookie this morning. Hey, don't you dare judge my poor choice in breakfast. I usually don't eat anything so this was not only an improvement but my best attempt at making you health nuts at least content. Sheesh. Can't please everyone, you know.

Before I start I just have to say that it is really hard to find tasty fortune cookies. They all taste like old cardboard rejects (because I know what that tastes like?) I guess I must be use to eating crap food containing 87,234 grams of sugar. God bless the USA and it's sugary goodness. Wait, I lied just now. I have met a fortune cookie I liked. The best ones I ever ate were from a teeny fortune cookie "factory" in the middle of San Francisco. Holy delicioso.

Fortune cookies are just as Chinese as PF Chang's chicken lettuce wraps. Yes, you guys. The foodgasmic lettuce wraps aren't even Chinese, like most of the menu. Please don't tell me you believed they were. Please don't. I'm going to judge you now...

...OK. Back on track now Ashley. Yes. My fortune. Ahem.

The first one was just stupid. I'm not even going to type it to you...ok so maybe I will. Maybe it could be of some use for one of my 11 readers out there. Quote: "Seek out the significance of your problem at this time. Try to understand." Unquote. What the falafel, you guys? I can't think of any specific problems I have right now that are even fortune cookie worthy. And try to understand what? Try to understand why the problem is happening? Try to understand the significance? Try to understand what the heck this fortune even means is more like it. So, let's just pretend that fortune never happened. I mean these cookies are from a Japanese joint anyway. Does that mean they are invalid? At least this one is.

Anyway, #2 said: "The star of riches will shine on you beginning next month." Read that again. Mhmm. It says riches. I, for some reason, believe this fortune to be true with all my heart. I love money and money loves me, even more than men do. So look out world, world that I WILL own no matter what this man says. Do not believe him whatever you do, do not believe him or his silly mouth words. He thinks he is going to take over the world but we all know that will be me and yes I said mouth words...intentionally.

I AM going to be rich come this March and that's how I'm going to get my fame to really "shine" (I'm not *that* corny to say "shine." It was part of my fortune). Ok so maybe I won't be rich by then but at least it will get started, key word being "started." I have a month to prepare for my being famous. I am actually really excited. I hope you are too. This is why you should consider being my friend and sharing me with everyone. Remember how I said not to "psh" me? Yeah. You can still refrain from doing that. I'm watching you...

Ashley for Queen of the World: 2012! I am the queen of everything...even the world. Man, I have lots to do.

Shatterbox Media Wants to be My NEW Best Friend

Is it just me or is "owning" a blogspot.com blog just so 2003? I know it's not me because I didn't even know what a blog was back then and I did not even get this one until my siblings and cousins forced me to until 2007. Yes they forced me. You guys, they held a rusty machete to my jugular until I started to type my name into a blogspot. So original. I know. Where was I going with this?

Oh yes! I am getting a little sick of the cookie cutter blog. Mine looks like every other cutesie Mormon girl and stay at home mom's blog. Yeah. Since I am neither one of them I would like a change (I am a Mormon girl. I'm just really hot! There is a difference...trust me. Just go along with it ok?). I am pretty tech savvy but I am also pretty lazy to park my arse down in a chair or couch and make my own fancy site to smack my blog onto. I'm sure if it was pretty I would definitely be on it everyday. More motivation, more inspiration. Basically, I could own the world too I just haven't gotten around to it just yet. Yes, I said yet.

There is a contest going on right now and I'm pretty sure that if I can own the world then I could win this contest. Easy. Except for one teeny thing. I'm not operating on WordPress and I'm not self-hosted...JUST YET! I totally could do that though, right? Yes. I'm sure...I think. crap. But on the bright side I would get to start over. I don't just think I KNOW that will be a great idea. You should too because I say so and you may have to bow down to me one day when I own the world and all.

Anyway, if you too would like to participate in said contest then go HERE and follow the directions at the bottom. These ladies are geniuses. Yes, Jamie and Nicole. I have wished Nicole a sexy week and she replied with, "I'm not entirely sure that anyone has ever wished me a sexy week before, but it's pretty much my new favorite thing." See...I don't know what this is proving but I added it for flavor. I'm not a brown noser, just a really hot, BADA$$ Mormon chick that wants a new blog to show off to the world...yes the world I'm going to own. Is this branded in your brain yet? It should be because I have mentioned it like 89724 times.

Go on now and enter you foolish mortals!!! In case you missed the link because you are an idiot I'm posting it again...IDIOTS CLICK HERE! Have a great day. And if I win this contest (because I am in a desperate need of a new blogging life) I will buy you all Slurpees. Las Vegas has the best Slurpees when it comes to quality. I don't lie. I will be the best queen of this world, you guys. I can't wait to make you all my pretty little pets. G'day!

***UPDATE*** I'll be operating on WordPress very soon my monsters. How cool am I? And yes I just pulled a Lady GaGa on you all and called you my monsters. At least pretend that you liked it.

Blog War: The Battle to the Death

eff you michael. there. does this count as another post?